Strategy-wise, it made the most sense to go to the Jewish event first, as J claimed it would most likely be dead and ended earlier. At the door, we signed in. Now, if you saw me, you would know that I show no physical semblance of typical Jewish build or features in general. i actually look extremely swedish. This isn't to say that i don't identify with them on a socio-cultural level. Nevertheless, I wrote down M. Goldblum as my name, as Jeff Goldblum is one of my favorite jews, mainly because of his dabblings in Jurassic Park. Nothing is sexier than a man who doesn't bat an eye at a velozorapter that is trying to bite his face off. and, furthermore, I have been told on many occasions that I look like Laura Dern.
We stayed no more than five minutes,as J saw someone who had been bothering her on a Jewish networking website as of recently. We downed our drinks and headed to what we thought would be more predominantly Goy. My name tag was about to change from Goldblum to Cunningham.
One would think that I would use these events to my advantage, to meet people who might help me with career advancement or could at least connect me to those that might. Unfortunately, I am far to immature to network with useful people. I much prefer to go to these events and seek out the biggest weirdos I can find. Their stories are much more lucrative, in my opinion.
If there is anything I have learned from these networking events it is that people love to tell you about themselves and will basically tell you anything, so long as you go about questioning in the right manner. This can be tricky as occasionally your new conversant might catch onto the facetious nature of the questioning and become offended by your insincere petitions for information. I have also learned to be wary that, perhaps more importantly, stranger men often mistaken an inquisitive demeanor for flirtation. When they cross into this mindset, they are no longer useful for informative fodder and you must dispose of them as quickly as possible before it gets ugly.
At this particular event I met several strong characters. The first was a man who had some boring job I cannot remember as his main job. However, he gave me a card for his side job which happened to be selling suckers that help you lose weight. The card read "Eat candy! Lose weight!" On the back the card listed all of the chemicals in the sucker (we will probably find out that all of these ingredients are carcinogenic in about 5 years). It also had a label that indicated that you should not exceed daily consumption of 3 suckers per day.
"So, what happens if I eat more than 3 suckers in one day," I asked while pointing to the label, "like what if i go on a sucker binge because the are so delicious? Or if i have an oral fixation and always need to have one in my mouth?"
The man laughed, "Oh nothing too serious to worry about, you just need to watch your guarine intake, that's all." Yikes, guarine. I badgered him for a few more minutes about his favorite flavors and personal results from the sucker. He was informative but a bit boring so I let him go. This was kind of like speed dating with people you don't want to date.
Meanwhile, J had met a large white haired man named Michael who looked a whole lot like Michael McDonald or Santa Clause, depending on which popular personality you were raised to identify with. Michael was a hot balloonist. He was celebrating the 30th birthday of his balloon and the 30th anniversary of his life as a balloonist. At first I was confused and thought the anniversary had something to do with a marital anniversary but then I realized it was much more intimate than the union of a man and a woman: It was about a man and his balloon.
Michael did not stay too long and was soon replaced by a new Michael, a leathery, glazey- eyed man grappling a glass of water . I immediately engaged Michael #2 in conversation to get his details. He used the table were were perched at to balance himself.
"What do you do, Michael?"
"Oh, I'm a judge."
"That's interesting, do you enjoy making important choices?"
"Sometimes. What I really like to do is play tennis."
Then Michael went on to tell me about how he was going to Marbella for a full Spanish immersion course. As I have been to Marbella several times, I gushed about how lovely the beaches are and about all of the celebrities he was going to get to meet. Michael said he was interested in learning spanish but more interested in all of the tennis he was going to get to play. I told him he had to play a match or two with P Diddy if P Diddy was there. Michael liked that. He also thought i was flirting with him.
It got a little too weird when he started talking about his seventeen year old daughter. This was when I knew I had to end this little ditty. Luckily, a personal trainer walked up behind my table and Michael pounced on her before the little mouse knew what had hit her. I slipped out to the restroom and, on the way, met a very old man in a tropical shirt. He was eating free Bruschetta appetizers and I made him show me where they were at. After shoving a few in my mouth, i figured it was safe to go back.
With Michael gone, a rabbi had siddled up to our table and began chatting us up about the approaching high holidays. Luckily J and her sister B, who had joined our party, were legitimately Jewish and could talk the talk. The rabbi handed them flyers, completely ignoring me, until i tapped him on the shoulders and made a sad face, "i have no where to celebrate the high holidays." He looked at me, a little shocked and amazing, but fully will to accept this little goy into his big jewish heart.
Like most of the strangers that night, rabbi sort of overstayed his welcome. about an hour after arriving, we bid the rabbi farewell and went to get pizza. Within two hours of leaving I was back at my apartment with a stack of useless business cards in my purse and a few new stories to share.
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