Girls with Dumb Names

I tend to get a lot of flack for ripping the male population apart. In all honesty, I love men; I just find them anywhere from mildly to moderately amusing on many given occasions. It's not my fault that you walk around the gym in flip flops, or that you chose to bring firecrackers into the W and set them off under my skirt, or that you are married and trying to get my number.

So, in honor of my male readership, today I am pondering the following topic: girls with dumb names. When I speak of dumb names, I am speaking of names that end in a long 'i' sound, namely. Really, you had to name your daughter Trixi??? Well it's your own damn fault she got caught with the captain of the Lacrosse team behind the bleachers.

There is a fine line between preppy nicknames with that long i sound at the end and trashy, made up names that literally end in an i. For instance, Missy, Muffy, Kitty, Betsey and Lacey can be cutesy. Not saying they make you sound brilliant, but they are acceptable. I can even handle an I ending as long as it's a REAL NAME. I may be saying this because I have a nickname with a y at the end. But fortunately, my mom was not dumb enough to name me after a Disney character. Naming her Bambi, Roxi, or Trixi is not ok under any circumstance. At that point, you are hoisting your daughter on a stripper pole and giving her a bottle of lotion that smells like pears.

The following names, I believe, are truly the worst: Bambi, Misti, and Rikki. Especially when they are all in a public restroom together. Girls with retarded names must get together at a convention, trade hair spray and pear lotion, then say omg we are so bff4L. I was so lucky to nearly get esphixiated by Bambi's hair spray as she was re-teasing her bleached hair.

"OMG... it's been like this since 7 am... do i still look good to be out???" Bambi squealed to either Misti or Rikki. It really doesn't matter who it was, considering that combined they had enough brain cells for a lemur.

"Omg, no you look so hot. I love it short!!!" Misti/Rikki shrieked. Meanwhile, Rikki/Misti exited a bathroom stall donning some gross synthetic black dress that she was falling out of purposefully.

"Ohmigod, I'm so excited for tonight!!!!" Rikki/Misti trilled while running up to snatch Bambi's hairspray. I wondered if Bambi was still scarred from when the hunters shot her mother in the forest.

They squealed together like sick cats and I hurried out of the bathroom. On my way back to the table, I passed a table of bros. One looked at me and shouted, "Tiffani!?!?!?!" I'm not sure what kind of look I gave him but it must not have been very nice.

"Do i look like a Tiffani to you?" I asked. Seriously, I was not about to leveled down to Misti and Bambi.

"Whoa, what's your problem? I thought you were Tiffani. Tiffani's a great girl she's having my friend's baby." He looked so sad.

"Nope," I replied wondering if I looked like a pregnant Tiffani or a dumb whore, "maybe she's doing her hair with Bambi and Misti in the bathroom." I shot him a wide smile and made it back to my table, sniffed my shirt to see if I smelled like pears.