my tweenage dogg-er

Basically, I was smart about it. I watched all of my friends become dog moms to newborn puppies while I stood by as the cool, jerky-bearing aunt. I avoided the racoon eyes, sleepless nights, and scraping fecal matter from the dog's cage. Instead, I surfed the net for a one year old dog who was house broken, somewhat obedient, and still, on a technicality, a puppy. You see, until a dog is two, it is essentially still a puppy. I am not certain about where the baby-toddler-child-tween-teen transgression begins and changes for canines. My name is not Cesar Milan. Therefore, it is pure speculation that I consider my dog to be a tween.

At about 1.5 years, Smokey is a the equivalent of a 10 year old tween. And, yes, Smokey is a she. We opted for an androgenous name so that Reid would not have to suffer the shame of failing his WASPy roots. More literally, Smokey's pelt is neither dark brown or black...it's just smokey. Of course, she already has a stockpile of inane nicknames. I actually typed these once and, out of shame, deleted them. It really reduces my cool factor. Won't even get into the songs.

Anyway, as Smokey is a rescue tweenager, she's got some hormonal growing pains that she is dealing with. Just like human tweens become angsty, awkward, and smelly, Smokey is also facing some of these challenges.

Fraternizing with boys: Smokey always has initial anxiety when meeting new friends, particularly boyfriends. Of course, she does like them. Even though she dances away from full facial contact while meeting them, she is the first to check their behinds. Eventually, she will come onto them in the backyard, dashing after them and baiting them with her plush, squeaker filled toys.

Her best boyfriend, Leo, has recently been sneaking a lot of kisses. Smokes just growls and kicks him away from her water bowl. Typical. Actually, that sounds a little more like college.

Eating disorders: I cannot quite pin point how to define her eating disorder. She will go from starving herself during meal time to binging on jerky (the equivalent of a real tween's cool ranch doritos). While this seems like a classic case of bulimia, there is no purging involved. Confounding, but, nonetheless, disordered eating.

Intense sweating: While real tweens begin sweating intensely while nervous behind the wheels, a dam basically breaks in my backseat everytime Smokes jumps in. She is not getting her learner's permit anytime soon.

Interest in new substances: While Smokes was hesitant about accepting jerky and t-bonz from us at first, she has begun to experiment with a new fervor. Her experimentation has actually transgressed to full on addiction. She has also been experimenting with Kleenex, Nylabones, and Toy Stuffing. These are highly addictive substances.

I attributed of these quirks, along with her physical anomolies: wide crazy eyes, huge thighs, and pigeon toed front feet, to be part of her character and growing pains. That was until Smokes went to training class at Pet Smart.

After the first class, I feared not only retention, but demotion to a lower level. On top of that, the trainer told me she might be inbred (as she was a rescue dog). Inbred? There was no way! My wild-eyed, kind of bulimic Aussie Shephard with an androgenous name was not inbred. She was a tween! She was artsy! She was using multiple substances! But she was not inbred.

I returned home and told Reid. In true Reid form, he told me I was ridiculous. Then I looked back down at Smokes, with her dialated pupils, big mouth open and her huge thighs holding up her smallish body. I loved my inbred dog.