During the course of the past 2 weeks, I found myself in and out of the Chicago O'Hare Airport a total of four times. In that time period, i became very familiar with basic features within Terminal 2: which newsstand shops had a built in Caribou, the Nuts on Clark stand, and bathroom hubs. And while these geographic features became comforting and familiar, they could not leave as much of an impression in my mind as other travelers themselves.
Before beginning this entry, I had a conversation with my sardonic uncle who lives in Tampa about holiday travelers. He had just spent a lot of time in the airport as well, as it is difficult to catch a direct flight to nebraska from florida. He shook his head while were sitting around in my grandparents' family room, "I hate traveling during the holidays," he said, "you have all of these rookie travelers." We began to delve into what makes a rookie traveler.
Rookie travelers travel about once a year during the holiday season. Though I am not in their company prior to arrival to the airport, I suspect that they spend a few weeks prior to the visit packing, having nervous phone conversations about the impending flight, and, finally, arriving at the airport super early with enough luggage for a month meant for a four day visit (though with new luggage surcharge, I suspect this quality in a rookie with just extend itself to overstuffed carry-on bags).
Once inside the airport, rookies talk loudly and take their time in security check points. It is at this point when they start discussing where they will eat lunch/dinner/even breakfast. One of the biggest indicator of the rookie traveler is that they will arrive at the airport especially early just to have a wholesome sit down meal at McDonalds or some equally offensive fast food restaurant. Usually, they manage to save some of it so that, once settled in their cramped airplane seats they can pull out the last morsels of a cheeseburger or some remaining fries. Then, as luck would have it, the entire airplane cabin reeks of the pungent grease and I, along with other travelers, am privy to nausea for 1-4 hours, depending on the length of the flight.
Many times the airport meal is not enough for this breed of travelers. Halfway through the journey or anywhere from 30 to 2 hours after consuming 1,000 calorie + meals, they bust out trailmix or some other sort of snack food that they can chomp loudly. It truly makes me wonder what these people do during the work day or, rather, how they survive.
It is often the rookie traveler who feels it is necessary to engage in raucous conversation in flight and to make sure that most of the air cabin can hear what he/she has to say. Maybe it is due to nerves or lack of social etiquette, but the rookie wants to get to know you and for you to get to know him/her. By the end of the flight, you could walk away with various details about this person's family, job, favorite tv shows, pet peeves, and maybe even sex life.
As I boarded my last flight for the holiday season, or last flight until late January, I began writing this blog. As I typed in the title, An Australian man leaned over next to me at the airport and asked, "what's that for?" I explained to him that i was blogging about holiday travelers. He laughed, "tell me about it! These people are insane." When he got up to board the plane, I noticed that he just pulled his boarding pass out of his back pocket. He had no carry on, not even a computer bag, thus making him an ultra chic traveler.
As I went up to check in, the airlines personnel stopped me and informed me that I needed a new pass because they had changed my seat. I looked down at my new seat number: 3C. This could mean only one thing: 1st class.
Though i am a regular traveler, I have never paid to be a first class traveler. This was a entirely new level of air travel elitism. In first class, there are 2 seats in a row as opposed to three, and the seats are lettered like so: AC DF, complete ignoring the fact that B and E should normally fall in between those pairs. The seats are synthetic leather material and ergonomically constructed with a comfortable dip for one's neck. I settled into my seat and a moment later a male flight attendant politely asked what I would like to drink. It was 7:20 in the morning and all i wanted was water. Instead of pouring into one of those small plastic glasses, he handed me an entire water bottle, thanked me for flying and said to just wave if i needed anything else. How different first class was from the cattle drive behind the curtain that the flight attendant pulled once economy class had settled.
I noticed that the seat next to me was actually empty. Looking over, I thought that not only had I been bumped to first class and was just a pinch short of having a cabana boy waving a palm over my head. I spoke to soon. "Excuse me!" a girl came barreling down the aisle, "wow, I almost missed this flight! They were paging me and everything! Whoa i'm tired! I just ran all the way down here! Here I've lived in this city all of my life and I still don't know when to get to the airport on time! Sorry my name is _______. I talk a lot in the morning, so this won't be a boring flight!"
Fuck, I thought to myself as I told her my name, this girl may not be a rookie but she sure is annoying. She asked if I normally flew first class and, though i had every intention of lying, I told her no, that I had been bumped. She said she had to, as she had almost missed the flight. Maybe she was smarted than I had thought, perhaps this was a new trick to sitting in first class.
She jabbered away about how she lives in California now, as i reached for my IPod. The plane had just taken off and in a few moments it would be ok to turn on my ipod and tune her out. After she asked me what time I had gotten up, I said 4 am, as I had already had a flight from Detroit into Chicago. It was a perfect segue into, "yeah, I'm very tired! I'm going to take a nap!"
About an hour later, I groggily half woke up and saw the male flight attendant bringing her the most deluxe looking airplane meal I have ever seen. However, though I was not particularly hungry anyway, I knew it would be a major mistake to wake up and request a meal as it would be requisite to partake in more inane conversations with her. I passed out for 2 more hours.
As the plane descended, I did wake up and pulled a Cosmo from my bag. The girl caught on, and asked me if I had a good nap. She was now sitting cross legged on the seat, pulling at her socks, "don't mind my socks," she said, "they're my brothers! aren't they gross? Look at the big whole in them!" I nodded and continued to read some real life guy confessions. The girl looked over, " oooh, do you mind if I read with you?" What was I supposed to say?! she pulled the magazine closer to her and began reading the blurbs out loud. An older couple across the aisle started giving me looks and I shrugged with a helpless expression.
After reading about a dozen or so mens' sexual mishaps outloud, she turned to a spread about male showering styles, which featured several chippendales posing in various showers, showing off washboard abs. "Which one do you like better?" She asked several times as she browsed through.
"Hard to say," I said, feeling the old woman's eyes on me. She then decided that we were good old friends and queried, "So do you have a boyfriend or are you single?" The plane hit the ground. I told her that I was unattached; it was, afterall, an interrogation of sorts.
"Oh I see," she replied, as if being single was some sort of disease. "mine is back there!" She turned her head and started smiling and waving at no one in particular. Maybe her boyfriend was a figment of her imagination.
Just as I was concerned she would haggle me for more information, The captain announced that it was safe to move around the cabin. Luckily, as I was in first class, I could bolt from the plane without waiting for 30+ people to dismount luggage from overhead compartments.
I turned to her, "well, nice meeting you!" Then I got on my phone to call my roommate, mom, or anyone who would save me from more conversation with this girl.
Standing at the baggage terminal, I thought about my first class flight. Yes, the thin curtain in between first and economy certainly did prevent the permeation of fast food fumes. The thin curtain, however, did not seem to have any discretion for socially appropriate behavior.
