Chicken Nugget

As I have mentioned before, my sister Sarah and I had a penchant for nicknaming males after clothing stores. This was actually a very complicated and somewhat esoteric process as it required us to actually know the male of mention. In my recent years, I have developed a new, shallower means of classification: food items. Yes, classifying men as food items, more specifically as types of meat, judges them less as individuals and provides more of a generalized sort of classification.

In thinking about it, I got hooked on this methodology once I was introduced to the term "Nugget", commonly used by the comedian Chelsea Handler to refer to all of the small people she meets and embraces, figuratively and literally. I now toss this term around quite frequently. The word nugget is rather vague though. While it could refer to a food item, it could also refer to golden nuggets or those pellet like things you throw in rabbit cages. Naturally, though, nugget had to evolve into primarily a food item. Anyway you shake it, a nuggety person is just a more compressed, round version of his stretched out counterparts. This is where the chicken nugget comes in.  Chicken nugget is a more descriptive version of the word nugget, adding color, flavor and smell to the formerly ambiguous nugget. Chicken nugget men are a little crispy on the exterior but soft inside, and most certainly round, compressed and can be consumed in just two bites, maybe one if you are ravenous. They are small and squat and should not come past your collarbone. 

In thinking about chicken nuggets, i did not think it was fair to leave the other genres of male out in the cold and thus the following have ensued:

Popcorn Shrimp: tiniest version of all nuggets, unfortunate enough to have a snappy high pitched voice. The popcorn shrimp is more likely to bouncing around any given venue and has a shorter attention span than the chicken nugget. 

Petit Filet: leaner and more sophisticated than the nugget but still extremely small. Likes to work out and has very little body fat. Doesn't mind an equally petit side or two. a bit of a dandy. 

Filet Mignon: The larger version of the petit filet, still likes to work out but very lean looking. Extremely finicky and likes to swap out sides frequently. Sides must compliment the filet mignon as it tends to take center stage. Decadent dandy. 

Kung Pao Chicken: more adventurous than his cow part friends, sometimes of the ethnic variety. Likes to travel. 

Salisbury Steak: Very rough around the edges and suffering from a severe case of 'roid rage. for sport, he might let you watch him blast his pecs. 

Beef Brisket: loves to eat and has a much higher BMI than a  filet. Beef Brisket has a fear of cardio though he will ocassionally wander around the weight room in sandals and an offensive cut off sleeve tshirt. Then he will get on his phone: "hey bro, yeah, just workin' out for a few.", do another set, and then hit the bar. 

Chicken fried steak: has lard in his ass. 

This is just a short list, but I feel it is very appropriate to classify males as varieties of meat. And, by no means, have i done this to be demeaning or to belittle the male gender at all. Think of this, simply, as a quick index for describing males. For instance, while engaged with a conversation with a friend, I can easily describe a guy I had met the night before: "oh yeah, he was a total Salisbury steak and would not leave me alone." Contrarily a friend might say to me, " Omg I am going out with the cutest petit filet tomorrow!".

Moreover,  if the Gym Class Heroes can write a song called Cookie Jar, in which they classify women as "oatmeal raisin asians" and "puerto rican butter pecan" and "oreo creme" if you got em, then, contrarily, I can have my own little mixed grill of male terminology. 

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