Baby, It's Cold Outside

In lieu of all of all this holiday spirit, I would love to know what a song about date rape and the birth of Jesus Christ have to do with each other. I really do. It is just so jarring to hear "Silent Night" one minute and in the next, a man creepily cajoling a woman to have "just a half a drink more" and squealing, "how can you do this to me."

In all reality, the song is kind of pathetic on both ends. You have your man who is begging on his hands and knees while still trying to persuade this girl into just a little sip o' roofie-nog. Basically, she has no choice but to freeze on the frozen tundra outside or to fall at the mercy of this very needy man. This also makes me wonder: how is she getting home? is he implying that she will have to walk or does she have a car like a normal person? Then again, if she has been slurping holiday punch all night, this option may no longer be plausible.

Naturally, she decides to sing along with him, occasionally adding to the creepiness by bringing up members of her family. Yes, I must remember, the next time some man tries to convince me to go home with him, to sigh heavily and say, "oh dear, i don't know what my mother will say." Or, better yet, my brother, especially since my brother is 17 years old and could hardly care less about the adult choices I am confronted with on a daily basis.

While listening to this song, I can think of two situations where it could easily go down. The first one that comes to mind is a frat house located slightly out of the way of central campus. In my mind, I am picturing maybe the FIJI house or ZBT at Michigan because those houses are basically in Kalamazoo. FIJI really fits the bill as it is up on a high hill and has a ridiculous driveway. One night, while attempting to go to FIJI, I never even made it there because I fell down the driveway six times. Of course, in Ann Arbor it is acceptable to wear stilettos when it is 5 degrees outside and the world is covered in black ice.

I could completely see this song taking shape after two silly 19 year olds had a hey day with an ice luge. The girl, I can assure you, is wearing stilettos, and is legitimately concerned about making it down the driveway to even get into a cab. She is also probably dreaming of NYPD pizza garlic knots. Yummmmm.

I can also, in my older age, see this happening a made for tv movie, particularly one of the lifetime movie network. I should probably not be admitting to the world that i spend a substantial amount of time during the course of the week watching this channel, but, unfortunately for me, I do. Over the course of the last week, I have seen John Stamos starring as a dangerous hit man with double life, a smattering of rapist/serial killer flicks, and one random one about a haunted farm house. For the most part, I could see this scene fitting in nicely to one of the awkward seduction and/or attack scenes on these fine films. There would probably even be some sort of song and dance act.

Given the option, I would probably walk out the door of this man's house considering that a) I am too old to be contending with frat boys, b) because desperation is a turn off and c) I have a terrible singing voice.